2 Things That Can’t Be Said Enough
Brendan McRae is a 14-year-old who goes to public school in Chatham, south of Springfield, Illionois. Brendan was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 9. An article in today’s The Telegraph tells his story and opens and closes with two observations that can’t be said enough:
The next time a child throws a tantrum in a store, be careful not to immediately label the child as undisciplined or spoiled.
The child’s typical appearance could be hiding the face of autism.
“Having a diagnosis of autism or Asperger Syndrome can seen devastating, but it isn’t the end of the world,” said [Tina McRae, Brendan’s mother].
I have to second that—-it’s just the beginning, the first step into a whole new journey, in great company.
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POSTED IN: Asperger's Syndrome, Parenting
19 opinions for 2 Things That Can’t Be Said Enough
livsparents
Apr 10, 2007 at 6:15 pm
How about the phrase “The next old lady who makes a snide comment about a tantrum by my kid in a supermarket gets taken out by my shopping cart”?
Just kidding of course, but all the nice old ladies clear a path for me when I walk down the aisle! ;)
Kristina Chew, PhD
Apr 10, 2007 at 6:24 pm
That happened to my husband (the “nice old lady” saying Charlie was “nuts”; words were exchanged, but no one was taken out in a shopping cart). I’m sure people say plenty seeing Charlie running the aisles (holding the shopping basket very nicely)—-each to their own shopping experience…
Daisy
Apr 10, 2007 at 7:27 pm
Both statements are so true.
You can say that again!
Both statements are so true.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Apr 10, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Who doesn’t have a stranger-staring at us grocery store story?
Phil
Apr 10, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Just on that first quote though, Kristina - I am of the firm belief that the 1 in 166 stat that people like JBJ are so keen to ram down our throats is partly caused by parents who force feed quacks with stories like that to prove that their child is on the Spectrum. Not all the tantrums are Autistic tantrums. I agree with the quote - don’t get me wrong - but it is one that is being taken advantage of at times.
There are so many lazy parents around these days. And unfortunately they end up giving the hard working ones with ASD kids a bad name. And that goes back a long way (heck my own parents copped it when I was at school - boy would an Aspergers DX have come in handy at the time but I was still over 20 years away from that!)
Kristina Chew, PhD
Apr 10, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Thanks for the caveat, Phil—-I’ve been reading over the quote and, must as it suggests an experience I’ve been through more than a few times, it can be misapplied. Also, I’ve been wondering at the notion of “typical appearance” and “hiding the face of autism”: What does autism look like? Thanks—–
Kathy
Apr 10, 2007 at 10:32 pm
How’s that Kristina, just got back from shopping and see you have posted this!
Well I took the two kids with me because it’s school holidays here in Oz.
It’s always a nightmare taking kids shopping (for me anyway).
My daughter pushes Mark in a shopping cart, while I fill up another with groceries etc..
Usually Mark is okay, but he will become very anxious if we are at the supermarket for too long, or if it becomes crowded with people.
I thought that I was safe going this morning at 8.30am….
Anyway, as we got towards the checkout area he became very anxious,saying imploringly “We go home now!”
It is very hard to calm him in a supermarket..(or any child for that matter)
More people were appearing, he was becoming more upset, and he just wanted to get the hell out of there( So did I believe me!)
As fast as I could I unpacked the cart at the checkout.. I felt compelled to offer an explanation to the checkout operator, because by this stage, Mark had gotten out of the trolley and was announcing in rather a loud and anxious voice “Going to lock you in the blue bathroom!”
He said this over and over while running from one checkout to the next.
Of course I did not want the operator to think that I lock him in our bathroom!
(Yes the bathroom is blue, but it doesn’t even have a lock on the door)
Just a manifestation of his anxiety I guess.
I have to admit though, I myself have always tended to be a highly strung person, so I find it really tough myself to stay calm in these situations! I’m getting better at it though!
Perhaps the anxiety is something he has inherited from me….
AJ
Apr 10, 2007 at 11:28 pm
I use trips to the grocery store with Ely as “learning moments”, though I use them sparingly!
Between the smells, the colors, the fluorescent lights, the Muzak, the announcements, the “oh-my-gosh-look-at-that-at-eye-level” STUFF….it’s pretty overwhelming. Admittedly, I’ve been somewhat envious of your success with Charlie at the store! Without question, we’ve had lots of looks and comments. I try to ignore, but am rarely successful. Ely’s only 5….maybe I’ll outgrow it.
Thus, on the rare occasions that we attempt such a feat, we go at 9:00AM to our neighborhood Albertson’s. That’s when the store is the least occupied, and said occupants are of the over-70 set. Any comments we get tend to be of the “Hi, baby! How old are you?” variety to her, and the admiring-her-looks variety to me. In my neck of the woods, they’re all grandparents. Ely’s favorite section of the store is produce….she’s especially fond of coconuts and avocadoes (guess why?….we’ve been known to buy one or two to take home as toys/sensory objects).
I NEVER do this when I have to do a week’s shopping…this is only a “trip into the community” kinda thing, picking up one or two things. As a result, we are able to speed through the new self-checkout aisle, where keeping a hand on Running with Houdini is less of a chore!
I was at Target a few weeks ago with Julia, and I had a pre-teen girl, who had wandered a few feet away from her mother and siblings, walk up next to me and slip her hand into mine. It didn’t faze me…I said, “Hi, sweet girl” and stood there. Immediately, her mother came up with her basket and said, “(Name), quiet hands.” Said it very quietly, and this family moved on. I couldn’t tell if this girl was vision-impaired, had autism, whatever….I don’t care to diagnose. I just wanted this mother to know that I didn’t judge, I didn’t recoil, I didn’t parent-bash. Julia smiled, she got a smile back from the mom, and we went on in search of socks.
Thinking of it, we haven’t had an Albertson’s experience this week….sounds like a project for tomorrow! (We need to pick up a bath scrubby anyhow….speaking of “sensory”….)
AJ
Lisa/Jedi
Apr 11, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Timely topic, this… it’s school break week & so I have to take (my) Brendan grocery shopping tomorrow. :) We also go as early as we can, to avoid the crowds, but the number of tic-triggers in the store are mind-boggling. We must avoid meat at all costs, & pictures of meat. There are other, less predictable triggers, too, so I just have to be ready to “grin & distract” (grin for anyone watching & distract Brendan as much as possible). He’s gotten really good at being proactive as he’s gotten older- hooray! One time he pulled his watch cap over his eyes & pretended he was blind, which meant he couldn’t see any of the triggers. We usually speak japanese as much as possible, which distracts him cognitively & also allows me to coach him without anyone understanding what I’m saying to him (sneaky, huh? :). Another good strategy is that he gets to pick something out for himself whenever we go to the grocery store, so he’s on the lookout throughout the trip. By the time we hit the checkout, though, he’s usually maxxed-out, patience-wise, & asks to go sit on the bench by the door. The rule is that he must be able to see me (& therefore, I can see him). Usually our trips are pretty copacetic, but occasionally I just want to dump the cart & leave. We’ve never actually had to… yet.
Phil
Apr 12, 2007 at 1:26 am
Kathy, I sympathise. I’m an Aspie rather than full blown Autistic, but supermarkets drive me nuts. I’m lucky that my local one is small so it’s not crowded very often. But on pay day I have to go to the larger supermarket elsewhere. I deliberately go early in the morning for the same reason.
The only time I cope OK with crowds is when I’m pursuing my special interests - football (Australian - there is no other!) and pro wrestling.
And I hate school holidays because the trains crowd up!
Em
Apr 15, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Aye, I can understand. It was a very good article and one I would share if someone wanted to know more about AS.
Grocery stores or other crowded places are rarely good for people with autism or AS. Even eating in the school cafeteria is too much sometimes because of all the noise and the people. (I have relatively mild AS, by the way.)
Chris
Apr 15, 2007 at 8:26 pm
We are on school break here in Vermont this week and we just got dumped on again with a foot of snow. My son thought Easter was Christmas, and we made a snow bunny instead of a snowman. I am glad we all have the food store experiences to share as a common bond. Our local store, knows us well and they are very tollerant of my son, ,and they try to be helpful.
Chris
Kristina Chew, PhD
Apr 15, 2007 at 10:56 pm
Kathy, I read you response soon after you wrote it and here I am only responding now—-does sound like a “manifestation of anxiety”—-Charlie tends to say certain phrases (it used to be “burger fries” and then “sushi no sushi”) when he gets anxious. In some cases there are set responses that, if I deliver them in the right way (calmly, cheerily, as if nothing is wrong), help to allay his worry. Grocery stores are made for sensory overload—-the lights, the cavernous space, the smells, all that stuff….
Just this morning, Chris, Jim and Charlie went to the grocery store and Charlie very carefully spooned some watermelon into a container and then licked the spoon…..fast exit.
Phil Schwarz
Apr 15, 2007 at 11:01 pm
The other Phil (from Down Under) uttered the phrase “force feed quacks” which brought this madly associative thought to my mind:
…until they are ready to be “harvested” for FOIA gras (by the likes of Kathleen Seidel and Autism Diva)
(FOIA is an Americanism — acronym for “Freedom of Information Act” requiring open access to government business.)
Though I can’t imagine a Geier (German for “vulture”, I kid you not) liver would be all that tasty, no matter upon what the bird might have been force-fed…
– the antipodal (and Newtonianly equally Aspie) Phil, in still-too-chilly New England, having some Larry Arnoldesque fun
Julia
Apr 16, 2007 at 10:18 pm
The last trip I took all 3 to the grocery store, we were in there awhile, and it went reasonably well (I usually find something for each of them to hold), until S. got tired of C. keeping her hood up and hit her once. Next time, they’re not next to each other in the Wonderful Cart That Would Hold 4 Kids If I Had That Many. (Double seat with a bench behind it that will seat 2 children or 1 adult; the bench is rated to 300 lbs., according to a sticker on it, so in theory, I could push my husband around in it.)
melody
Apr 16, 2007 at 11:51 pm
“The next time a child throws a tantrum in a store, be careful not to immediately label the child as undisciplined or spoiled.
The child’s typical appearance could be hiding the face of autism”
OMG, yes…shout this to the world please. Have you ever gone shopping with 3 boys — 2 on the autism spectrum plus one of them with cerebral palsy AND the 3rd son bipolar/ADHD — and have them all go into meltdown? Then have a snobby young woman walk past and ask “Can you spell Ritalin?” Not a good day at all.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Apr 17, 2007 at 12:04 am
If that happened today, thinking of you—-what a thing to say.
I don’t know about pushing my husband around in a cart, theoretically or not—I guess the day will come when Charlie pushes me.
Autism Vox
Apr 17, 2007 at 2:15 am
[…] what he is doing—school, piano lessons, swimming, ABA sessions, speech, walks, trips to the grocery store, walks in New York City. More and more, what matters most is—over and above what we can do […]
hyperlexdad
Jul 20, 2007 at 12:49 am
My son, 8, calls assemblies “the most dangerous place in the world.”
The plan is to gradually desensitize him, but all the
“experts” have different ideas on how to do this.
HFA adults & Aspies, please give me your perspective on what you would have preferred when at that age.
Thanks
A dad who wants to understand
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