“Autism’s Angels” and a “hidden, dark thought”
Town and Country magazine’s August issue contains an article about autism which includes a quite extensive overview of the latest research (especially on the brain, such as recent research from the M.I.N.D. Institute) and on educational programs (a new charter school for autistic children, the NYCA Charter School, is highlighted). The article, by Diane Guernsey, is entitled Autism’s Angels: The devastating disorder is inexplicably on the rise, and some visionary families have joined forces to promote awareness—and find answers. Bob and Suzanne Wright, Autism Speaks founders, are prominently featured.
Some remarks by Harry and Laura Slatkin, parents of David, who is autistic, stood out to me:
At times, the pain has become almost unbearable. In a documentary entitled Autism: True Lives, Harry describes the very large pond next to their house in the Hamptons. “We put locks on all the doors leading outside because we didn’t want David possibly going into the pond. But there were times when”–he stops, then talks through his tears–”you hoped he did, because you wouldn’t want him to suffer like this all his life.”
Everyone urged the Slatkins to cut this from the documentary, Laura says, but they left it in. “Since then, we’ve spoken to many families who say, “We all share that hidden, dark thought.”
In regard to that “hidden, dark thought” that Ms. Slatkin is referring to, if it is a thought about “hoping” that one’s autistic child might “possibly go into the pond,” I do not share it. I feel compassion for the Slatkins and the other autism families profiled in Autism’s Angels, but I do not include myself in Ms. Slatkin’s “we all.”
And the “autism angel” in our house is a boy named Charlie, my autistic son.
And the light of my life.
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17 opinions for “Autism’s Angels” and a “hidden, dark thought”
Rose
Jul 27, 2006 at 3:29 am
Bettleheim got it confused. He said that children were autistic because evil mothers wished their children did no exist. These evil parents wish their children did not exist because they are autistic.
They could get rid of so much baggage if they just accepted their kids for what they are. Different should not be equated with dead.
When I was young, I obsessed on how the German people could be fooled by a manic man to do the horrible things they did, and prayed my catholic God would never allow that to happen to me. I mean, it was ordinary people who were fooled into doing unspeakable acts of cruelty.
I never dreamed as an adult I would have a chance to see how it happens, and have to make my own choice. Not in this way, at least…
You know ballastexistenz has it exactly right with her Nazi correlation. The truth would set us free, if we would let it.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 27, 2006 at 5:49 am
I was really shocked to read those words from those parents. I suppose that \”hidden, dark thought\” is brought up to show how \”awful\” autism is, that it would need to be \”cured.\”
Jannalou
Jul 27, 2006 at 7:01 am
I’ve seen a lot of difficulty in parents’ lives and a lot of pain. But most of that pain is because they’re still in mourning for the child they likely never had to begin with.
The media and the so-called experts have a lot to answer for, in perpetuating the misconception that autism is a fate worse than death. And the government and the professionals have a lot to answer for regarding lack of appropriate, affordable, and truly useful supports and services for autistic people (whether children or adults) and their families.
dskd2000
Jul 27, 2006 at 7:11 am
I don’t have any hidden thoughts toward my autistics daughter and never once thought that she is a mistake. However, I do not think these parents are evil. Just like autism, the condition, background, financial, support, and the ability to cope of each family is also in the spectrum. Their so called “hidden dark thoughts” are not rare either. So many books on coping with taking care sick and disabled person devote at least a chapter on this. One of my best friend whose daughter has terminal lung disease said that there were times in the early years of her daughter’s illness that she just wanted to run away. Of course, she didn’t.
I really don’t want to judge these parents. They are still taking care of their children and help others as well. One provided support for their daughter so that she will be proud of her brother who has autism. The same parents went on and started a free school for autistic children which I think it’s great!. ABA, Speech, OT etc should be available to ALL children not just the ones whose parents are able to afford them.
weary-worn
Jul 27, 2006 at 10:41 am
“They are still taking care of their children and help others as well [….]”
OR they’re just looking for redemption from their horrific, homicidal thoughts.
David
Jul 28, 2006 at 11:11 am
My heart goes out to this family and I pray that they will someday see the world through different eyes. My son, Santino, is autistic and I thank God everyday for giving him to us. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him and I will be here for him every step of the way. It comforts me to know that God has given Santino to us and not some other family that would write his life off. Keep working with your children, they can accomplish amazing things. Love them and show them the way.
Good Luck!!!
donna smith
Jul 31, 2006 at 9:34 am
hi, where can i get a copy of this documentary
thanks donna
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 31, 2006 at 5:11 pm
Donna, I’m not sure myself—-I will let you know (and post that info here at Autism Vox) what I find out.
David, I am grateful too that I am Charlie’s mother, every day—-warm wishes to Santino from all of us.
Ian Parker
Jul 31, 2006 at 7:51 pm
Okay, I’m getting just a little bit fed up of people linking parents of autistic children to murder or murderous thoughts just because we have children on the spectrum.
There are enough issues facing parents of children with ASD already, without other parents insinuating that we’re all murderers in waiting. To those who feel this way, get help! But don’t try to justify or explain away your feelings by claiming that the rest of us share them. We do not!
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 31, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Thank you, Ian–very well said!
María Luján
Jul 31, 2006 at 8:33 pm
Hi
Like you, Ian, I am surprised and tired to be assigned to me thoughts about my child I never have had.I consider that if these thoughts are present, help is urgently needed; but trying to explain or justify them and , besides, consider them “common” to all of us is simply wrong.
There is no way to justify the unjustificable or to understand the ununderstable, and murdered feelings on the own child and consideration of them as “common” are attitudes that belong to these categories for me: unjustificable, ununderstable and , besides, non-true.
Beyond any kind of individual sense of desperation about autism in the own child or important difficulty our children can have,we must be IMHO and I try to be the best advocate for the dignity and the value of my son´s life, as intrinsic; of the importance of his existence and his potential as human being and nobody has the right to put this in doubt, with the assignation to me of extremely distorted personal views- in an attempt to validate them- with which I have absolutely nothing in common.
María Luján
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 31, 2006 at 8:37 pm
“Surprised and tired”—that is how I feel, too, María. Surely Charlie struggles and suffers, but I need to “explanation” for “why did this happen to me?”.
All I need is Charlie and Jim, and our little family.
Lisa Jean Collins
Aug 3, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Thanks for the .pdf file, Kristina. I just posted the article to Autieparents. ABFH was the one who told me you had it. You have done a great service here–you made it so that I and others don’t have to go out and buy the magazine! :)
Autism Vox » Greek Myths and Real Tragedies
Aug 9, 2006 at 6:33 pm
[…] Also recently, some autism parents have stated publicly that life with an autistic child is so terrible that they have contemplated killing their children, or thought a “hidden, dark thought,” that they sometimes hoped their child might walk into the pond by their house and end his suffering. It seems that saying that one has thought about killing one’s child has become a sort of “autism parent badge of courage”—a sign of one’s undying love and devotion to one’s child in the face of so much daily tragedy—a sign of one’s being an endlessly dedicated, passionate parent. […]
jennie
Jul 21, 2008 at 12:02 am
I do see everyone point here. And if you totally tell yourself that you are 100% ok with your child having autism you are not being true to yourself. I have given up sooooo many things for my 6 year old son. The fact that he has autism has nothing to do with that. Thats what parents do. But, to have a child with autism kills a huge part of you. The part that doesnt see the furture. You are forced to live inthe day. I would never want my son to walking to the pond. but i to pray that he passes from this earth before I. I worry everyday what will happen to him when im gone from this world. I just pray for him and others that live our life. Its a hard life of autsim and if you live it you understand exactly what Laura and Harry are saying. THey just didnt take the time to put sugar on it. To sweet’n up their thoughts. Of course if you say it out loud it always allow ppl to take it in all kinds of ways.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 21, 2008 at 2:22 am
Yes, parents give their 110%–I was just talking tonight about what might happen to my son after we are not here. But I hope he will live as long as he might be allowed and I hope we might be able to change the world to make it better and good for him and your son and so many others. One hopes!
Kassiane
Jul 21, 2008 at 3:09 am
I don’t understand how there is more than one way to take “I want my kid to drown in yonder pond”. That statement is not open to interpretation.
By giving birth to an autistic child, you did not get automatic sainthood. All parents give stuff up. Having “secret dark thoughts” about NT kids isn’t acceptable, so why on earth is it acceptable about us? Because society mamas made it so, that’s why.
It’s crap is what it is.
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