Changes at the Beach House
Two days at the beach and it’s turning out to be a bit different from our previous vacations.
We’ve gone to the same beach—the same spot on the Jersey Shore—since Charlie was a baby; for the past three years, to the exact same beach house. Jim used to vacation on this beach as a kid and I first came here soon after we’d met. I had never liked the beach until coming here and it’s been where Jim and I, and then Jim and Charlie and I, have vacationed nearly every year since the late 1990’s.
Ever since the first time he came here, Charlie’s been drawn to the water and the waves. Many years followed of Jim and me carrying him into the waves and holding Charlie while the water came in and out around him, and then of Jim piggybacking him into the waves. As he got older and learned to swim, Charlie’d sometimes jump off Jim’s back and swim off. About two summers ago, Charlie started to get the hang of riding a boogie-board and, last summer, he started to run in and out of the waves with the board strapped securely round his wrist; he even had his first surfing lesson.
I’d say it was when Charlie was about 7 years old that leaving the beach became close to unbearable for him. One year he put his favorite toys—a stuffed Barney doll and a toy computer, Alphabert—into a closet and told us “NO!” when we went back to look for then, and we realized that he was hoping that if he left his toys in that closet, we’d never have to leave. Another year, he spent the last three days screaming “No Gong Gong Po Po!” until he was hoarse. Charlie knew my parents (he calls them by their Cantonese names for maternal grandfather and grandmother) were visiting us after we returned from the beach and associated the thought of seeing them with the end of being at the beach.
So far, this year has been the opposite. Far from counting down the days till we left for the beach, Charlie made it clear, he’d rather be at school. Last year, he cried for an hour when we first pulled up to the beach house and then settled in and enjoyed himself, even through four straight days of rain. This year, Charlie’s said “home” over and over and been squinting a lot; late Sunday afternoon, he gathered all the bags I’d packed and heaped them in front of the door, along with his backpack and blankets. Jim and I have been feeling flummoxed as Charlie’s always been happy to be here, and to eat his favorite burgers ‘n’ fries in white take-out boxes, and enjoy life at the beach, and the open spaces of the beach house.
Granted, we’ve only been here for not even two days, and it rained and thunderstormed for most of Sunay, and Charlie’s been the most happiest, at ease, “smilingest,” when he’s been in the ocean. His swimming is as strong and graceful as ever, and he never looks to see a wave coming, always ducking under, or flinging himself into, the ocean water in perfect timing with the cresting of the wave. It’s something about the everything else of being here—-not home, not at school—that have been distressing Charlie. Perhaps there’s fear that if we’re not at home, maybe we won’t go back. Consequently, Charlie’s need for school and routine and order seems to be running at an all-time high.
Signs of a growing boy, already an adolescent?
Signs that, contrary what some say, a child like Charlie is not “the same always” inside, but growing up and in every way, and changing?
Charlie hasn’t asked for piggy-back rides. I think he knows, from earlier this summer when Jim injured his back, that those days are over.
So things change, of course. Charlie’s growing older, and so are Jim and I, and maybe we’ll have to rethink how we spend our summers. We’re “down the shore” here for just under two more weeks and it’s looking to be a different sort of vacation. I feel sad, but I know that Charlie’s growing up and, far from being a toddler trapped in the body of a much older boy, he’s a growing boy in all respects, growing and changing.
Now if I just change enough to catch up with him.
Tags: asd, asperger, autism, autism blog, beach, change, disabilities blog, disability, Family, family blog, Health, jersey shore, New Jersey, ocean, Parenting, pdd-nos, toddler, WaterRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Adolescence, Charlisms, Family, New Jersey, Water
16 opinions for Changes at the Beach House
Linda
Aug 11, 2008 at 10:14 am
Parenthood is full of changes as we adjust to the growth and changing needs of our children. It makes sense that your son’s inner clock which is set to school is also set to “no school until home from the beach” and it seems like an endless time over which he has no control. The rain doesn’t help. Maybe spice it up with day trips which are rain contingent. Tough one endured by parents everywhere, just when a routine is set and working for everyone…when the change is for the good and accepted by everyone you will wonder how could it have been anything else?!
hellokittiemama
Aug 11, 2008 at 11:42 am
hey there - I’m not sure where “down the shore” you are but I wanted to let you know of some surfing/autism events that are coming up that you might be interested in.
1) August 19th from 5-8pm in Seaside Heights sponsored by POAC. Free surfing for children with Autism
2) September 7th in Belmar - all day Beach Bash for families and children with autism. Free. also surf camp by Surfers Healing the same day.
http://autismfamilyservicesnj.org/beach/index.shtml
http://www.surfershealing.org
Regan
Aug 11, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Please keep in touch with how it’s going because it does sound flummoxing, and important to understand the whys. Charlie sounds like he is definitely trying to tell you something.
Is there anything that ordinarily helps to give him some kind of control over the situation or what to anticipate?
A Signal of Distress at the Olympics?
Aug 11, 2008 at 2:21 pm
[…] Just an accident, maybe not quite an incident? What if cars bearing puzzle magnets chose to turn them upside down to indicate distress; a particularly bad day? We don’t, by the way, have any sort of puzzle magnet on our car anymore, but we do have a decal for COSAC, which is New Jersey’s largest autism organization and whose symbol is a tree which I like, as it makes me think of growth and growing things, and growing boys. […]
C. S. Wyatt
Aug 11, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I dislike being away from home, for any reason. The notion of enjoying a travel-based “vacation” slipped away over the last five or six years. I want to be home. Period.
I used to travel about California and the West. I honestly doubt I could relax in most hotels / motels if I couldn’t maintain my routines.
The idea of staying more than a night or two in a different house? Absolutely not. I’d probably sit and rock, screaming “Home!” — which is close to what I do here under stress.
The years in Minnesota have been one long stressor. Things are horrible here some days.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Aug 11, 2008 at 6:51 pm
We used to do picture schedules and photo calendars. Those were helpful at first, and then less so (and sometimes Charlie seemed to get fixated on the photos). The strategy this year is to talk about it in a kind of everyday casual way, and then we came here…….Not so sure this is working, still wait and see.
MJ
Aug 11, 2008 at 7:02 pm
For the first time this year, my teenage son with autism started saying “go home” and “airport” the day after we arrived to visit my family on vacation. He would even spell the words out for us to get his point across.
I’ve come to the realization that week-long vacations with him will be a thing of the past–three days away plus one day of travel time on each end will pretty much be it for us. We never attempted anything beyond a week because, with school and medical stuff and what have you, we never had enough vacation time. We are all homebodies and are always happy to be back home, so in a way I can’t say I’m all that surprised by this new development.
Matt
Aug 11, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Hi. I saw your post on the squinting issue and optometrist. Tried to send this by e-mail, but it bounced. And now the old post has fallen off, so I’m putting this here.
My son Noah has Asperger’s, and had a similar (as far as I can tell) squinting issue. We had our pediatrician check it out, but he didn’t find anything. Ultimately, the occupational therapist at his school told us she saw his eyes drifting outwards, and either she or our pediatrician referred us to Dr. Jay Bernstein (Pediatric Ophthalmology Associates, 509 E Broad St, Westfield, NJ 07090; phone 908-317-9811). He also has an office near Morristown.
Dr. Bernstein was terrific. It turned out Noah had strabismus, in which the eyes wander out, and which can eventually cause vision problems (in fact, he was squinting or covering his eyes, apparently, to block out one of the two conflicting signals). Dr. Bernstein discussed cases in which exercises were appropriate, but said that Noah’s was not such a case. We got a second opinion further away from another doctor who said the same. In March Dr. Bernstein operated on Noah’s eyes, and the problem went away entirely. His eyes now track fine and he has no vision problems, and doesn’t squint anymore.
I don’t know how well his office handles special needs kids in general. But he was very good with Noah, and with us as far as answering all questions and so on.
Of course, your son may have something completely different. But I highly recommend Dr. Bernstein. (For the record, I have no ties to him other than as a satisfied parent of a patient.)
I enjoy your blog.
Regards
In Memoriam Grayson Sherrell
Aug 11, 2008 at 9:47 pm
[…] here at the beach, water safety is Concern #1, and that goes for Charlie, who’s a good […]
athina
Aug 12, 2008 at 7:44 am
Our experience was somewhat similar to yours. My four-year-old son used to be in love with the sea and swimming. We’ve been to the beach several times since the beginning of the summer, but our actual vacation was just last week when we went to a beautiful place by the sea and stayed in the most picturesque hotel. My son loved the hotel from the very first time but was most unwilling to go to the beach and even when we managed to make him follow us there, he refused to get into the water and kept asking to return to the hotel. He was very, very grumpy and started throwing things. I suppose he was scared because one time we went to the beach there were big waves and he wasn’t prepared for something like that. Anyway, we had to leave early because there was no point staying in the hotel room all the time and when we got back to our town he said he didn’t want to go home and asked to go back to the hotel! He never stops to amaze me!
Kristina Chew, PhD
Aug 12, 2008 at 11:10 am
@Matt, thank you for the reference and sorry about the bouncing email! I have fixed that, I hope.
@athina, you know, Charlie will often ask to be back at the place we just left, soon as we are back home—–he is looking forward to some friends visiting us today. Will see how each day goes!
Third Day at the Beach House
Aug 12, 2008 at 1:00 pm
[…] the sun shone, we got in two swims in the ocean, and Charlie seemed a bit more, and even much more, relaxed about being at the beach house. He tried the boogie board briefly and smiled when he shoved his feet far underneath the squishy […]
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Aug 14, 2008 at 6:01 am
[…] Change of scenery, change of routine—-that’s all part of vacation and, as recounted here, why Charlie’s first three days at the beach house were full of more sorrow than smiles. We’re back in the swim (big-time—-Jim’s been calling Charlie “the torpedo” for the way he propels himself through the water, in the moving waves and all). […]
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Aug 17, 2008 at 2:37 am
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Aug 24, 2008 at 12:12 pm
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Sep 18, 2008 at 3:49 am
[…] then, this summer—-amid various other changes—a most curious thing happened. Charlie (who is definitely an adolescent) must be in the […]
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