Confessions of a Former Warrior Mom
So with Mother Warriors: A Nation of Parents Healing Autism Against All Odds, Jenny McCarthy’s new autism book out, I decided I need to fess up.
I am a retired Warrior Mom.
“Warrior Mom” is the term that Jim used to use when I got into a certain “those administrators haven’t heard the last of us” “did that doctor listen to one word we were saying” “if we don’t do it this way he’ll never get it” “I know best because I’m the mom” state of mind—-that kind of defiant, mother-bear-out-to-protect her cubs mode. I was determined, I’d read everything book and article and stared at websites on my computer screen for so many hours and I was the person who spent the most time with Charlie—–surely I knew the most, and the best.
In some cases, I did. In other cases, I didn’t, and I’d wonder if it was precisely my determination and sense that I had to be right about what to do for Charlie that sometimes blindsided, and blinded, me. Like more than a few parents, my initial feelings of despair, loss, anger, sorrow, and chaos on learning of Charlie’s diagnosis were, I thought, to be overcome by taking matters into my own hands, learning how to the therapies and doing “research” about causes and treatments.
I first read about the special diet on the internet in June of 1999. I stopped at a health food store on the way home and, armed with a pile of printed-out recipes for gluten- and casein free foods, proceeded on home and announced to Jim, wheat has got to go.This all occurred in the days prior to Charlie starting any educational therapies. Jim and I had not been able to get Charlie to come to us when we called him (sometimes, indeed, he flopped down on the ground when we did). We had no faith in our capacity to teach Charlie at that point. But the diet was a different story. Charlie ate very few things in those days as it was, so just starting the special diet meant having to get him to eat something new, and that seemed a good thing.
I wanted, I styled myself, to be like some kind of super mom. And my biggest fight—-the obstacle that seemed to be in the way of all—-was autism.
What changed me was nothing dramatic, nothing revolutionary. When Charlie was 7 to 9 years old and having so much trouble, I started to sense that being the mom-always-ready-to come out kicking and screaming was not the best way to be. I needed to think less, if you will, histrionically about how I’d do anything for Charlie, anything, and focus on strategy, sizing things up, building allies and staying calm.
In McCarthy’s first autism book, Louder Than Words, there are numerous scenes of her (one while clad in Bugs Bunny pajamas, as she notes a few times) screaming and calling for help and doing whatever it takes to get those EMT workers there for her son. This is “Mother Warrior” behavior, the screaming and speaking loudly, the near-hysteria, the willingness to make a fool and spectacle of oneself in the interest of getting the best for one’s child. McCarthy’s taking a lead role in the Green Our Vaccines rally added more to her Mother Warrior credentials, as she made her personal political. She shall be “politically active” in a green kind of way and talk about helping kids, challenging doctors, etc., etc.. For her appearance on Oprah today, McCarthy’s asked people to ask her a question: The Mother Warrior Shall Speak.
These days, while I’ve more to say than ever, I try even more to listen. The “fight” with autism is over, and we accept and hope. We’ve let go of recovery and know that autism is lifelong. I no longer feel I have to deliver a mini-autism-awareness-information lecture when someone looks askance at Charlie.
Sometimes, I kind of feel he’s protecting me.
Tuesday night at the grocery store, after I’d bagged green bananas and cracker boxes and packs of vegetables and frozen egg rolls and sushi (not frozen), I handed Charlie two bags to carry. With the complexities of motor-planning in mind, I helped secure one bag on his shoulder and he lifted the second one up in his hand, and headed out the automatic door to the car. I followed, with only one bag.
Most of the food is for Charlie—-a growing boy looking out for others needs to build his strength.
Tags: asd, asperger, autism, autism blog, Books, debate, disabilities blog, disability, egg rolls, groceries, healing, Health, immunization, jenny mccarthy, measles, mercury, mmr, Myth, parenthood, Parenting, paul offit, pdd-nos, Rhetoric, Science, shots, Vaccines, warrior mother
20 opinions for Confessions of a Former Warrior Mom
Robin H. Morris
Sep 24, 2008 at 10:53 am
Kristina,
You read my thoughts, as I too have referred to myself as a warrior, also a pioneer (as there was very little internet intervention 21 years ago).
However, I do not restrict my warrior mode for my child with autism. I continue to be the mother who wants to protect all of her children.
Your message that we are sometimes blinded by the “forest through the trees” dilemma is honest and well appreciated. I have been there and do believe that listening is paramount.
The trouble for me is when the people doing the talking start to believe in their own hype. Whether it is a celebrity, or autism guru, their voices can be more damaging than a smothering parent.
Listening with a caveat might be the action of choice.
xR
Mrs. B.
Sep 24, 2008 at 11:53 am
What a great blog you have here! I’m glad to have found it.
VisualVox
Sep 24, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Thanks for this — as a kid with a lot of differences and difficulties that just were not recognized or understood (35-40 years ago), I often felt as though my mother was really overwhelming me with her concerns and her determination to integrate/accustom me to mainstream life, no matter what.
No matter what others had to say about me… No matter what difficulties I had with balance and body sense and sensory issues and behavior problems… No matter what
teachers said about me… or what my classmates said/did to me. My mother and father intervened many times on my behalf, keeping me from being punished by a clueless public school system, which was great… but also overlooking the sensitivities I had and refusing to “allow” them to limit me.
It was very beneficial to grow up in a household where I was treated as though I was just a different sort of normal (and I was frankly expected to be functional). But some days, I would have traded all the non-special treatment for some serious downtime and invisibility, and I would have much preferred to be “sub-optimal” to always being pushed to be “better” in the public eye… Whatever “better” may mean.
Sometimes it’s perfectly okay to slip under the radar, imho. And sometimes it’s a lot easier on us “unusual” types if the ones we love don’t call attention to our differences, but simply ignore the stares and turn a deaf ear to the comments.
We don’t have to always be fighting. And sometimes what we don’t even know *what* we’re fighting, exactly. Sometimes it’s enough to just live to see another day, get a good night’s rest, and be at peace in our own company.
Regan
Sep 24, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I usually am not at a loss for words, but Kev at LB/RB (not Troll Kev) posted something that I personally found very disturbing. If this is a paraphrase of “Warrior Mothers”, or the kind of thing promulgated, I want nothing to do with this.
http://leftbrainrightbrain.co.uk/?p=1390
emily
Sep 24, 2008 at 4:00 pm
As usual, you beautifully articulated what I’ve often thought. I thought of the Woman Warrior stage in part as the Lorenzo’s Oil Syndrome: I, and only I, am going to rescue my kid. I’m a very rational person by nature, but I also went the diet route and some other things I’m not proud of.
I do believe, as you suggest, that this mode is a way of coping with grief and loss of control. I think some of it also has to do w/the general litigiousness and “don’t tread on me” mentality in American culture. I’m very active in our district’s SEPTA, and I often see parents come in saying things like, “My taxes pay your salary” and other sentiments not designed to build consensus. I know it’s out of concern for their children and a desire to advocate and show they haven’t lost all power, but at this point in my life I’m so far away from those feelings that I have trouble relating or sympathizing.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Sep 24, 2008 at 4:18 pm
@Regan, someone we know has been chelating their child for, I don’t know, maybe 5?6? years (the child is Charlie’s age). I don’t have the exact figure but it has been a number of years.
Yes, the child is still autistic.
Bonnie
Sep 24, 2008 at 4:47 pm
You’re being kind towards Jenni, Kristina. I know the woman means well, I suppose, but why does one have to bring so much attention to one’s self with her son’s condition (or lack thereof if you believe her). She drives me nuts! And what’s weird is I think I am really in the minority and have been chastised even by close friends who have kids with Autism that I don’t find her to be a wealth of information.
I don’t know, it seems that warrior mom mentality falls into that whole new realm of empowerment in the media and all these self empowering commercials. The “I’m not taking crap off anybody” attitude that seems to be big right now. I just want to know, why is everyone so defensive? Why must we always come out fighting, especially when we don’t know what we’re fighting against or for!
Bonnie
Sep 24, 2008 at 4:48 pm
By the way, Charlie looks like a pro carrying those bags! I always find Casey totally calms when I make him do the same!
MomtoJBG
Sep 24, 2008 at 5:40 pm
This post rings so true for me! I think I spent a year as a warrior mom (mild version), and saw my family (mostly my NT son) suffering under the strain. Now I try to be an “appreciate the little moments/stop and smell the roses” type of mom, and I think the twins are the better for it.
I have to admit, I still feel a lot of “should I be doing GFCF” guilt in the middle of the night.
What I really don’t understand about Jenni McCarthy is that I thought she’d cured her son–now she’s chelating him?!
Kristina Chew, PhD
Sep 24, 2008 at 7:49 pm
From Oprah’s magazine—-McCarty’s book is about special needs moms more generally, so she’s expanding her audience (constituency)…..
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/relationships/parenting/20080910_tows_monica
For the record, no one’s told me (to my face) that I should look to McCarthy for advice, treatment. But when Oprah did her autism special two years ago—-the one with Katie Wright and some other mothers being interviewed—I was told “you should watch and maybe you’ll learn something!”
I’m suspecting McCarthy has been curating him for some time—-perhaps—??—-
Yes, carrying grocery bags is “centering” (to use a New Agey sort of term), bonnie! Especially after getting all excited being at the grocery store and looking at all those food items!
Acceptance and Surrender, says Jenny
Sep 24, 2008 at 8:38 pm
[…] these words were said by Mother Warrior Jenny McCarthy on Oprah. McCarthy appeared today with a mother named Monica, who after delivering a […]
Betty and Boo's Mommy
Sep 24, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Kristina, thanks so much for this wonderful post. You’ve put into words a lot of what I’ve been feeling, for a lot of different reasons.
Marla
Sep 24, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Great post. I too had some behaviors of a Warrior mom early on. I do think every mom reverts back to those ways sometimes. It happens.
Phil Schwarz
Sep 25, 2008 at 1:25 am
What do you think the psychotherapeutic fallout will be, ten, fifteen, twenty years hence, when these kids enduring years of pointless medical invasiveness start to hit psychiatrists’ couches?
My Autism Insights
Sep 25, 2008 at 5:55 am
I’ve had those moments that you describe, and still do, but to a lesser degree. They usually come up around the time of IEP meetings or when ever someone even hints at the possibility of medicating my son. But I do tend to believe that calmness is much more effective.
sharon
Sep 25, 2008 at 7:21 am
I am not a warrior mom. I am not good with confrontation. But I hope I am doing what is best for my kids.
Not Vaccines and a Note about Neurons
Sep 25, 2008 at 1:01 pm
[…] one supposes that, with all this talk of Mother Warriors by Jenny “Green Our Vaccines” McCarthy, unfounded worries and fears about vaccines […]
Kristina Chew, PhD
Sep 25, 2008 at 11:27 pm
@Phil Schwarz,
The psychotherapists will find themselves faced with children enduring post-warrior-mom-cure-or-bust syndrome.
Justthisguy
Sep 26, 2008 at 1:46 am
Yup, my Mom was kind of like that, but then I think of Robert Graves’ Mom. She went to Harrod’s and bought him an expensive little trench periscope. When a German sniper drilled it right through the objective lens, he sent it back to her as an interesting souvenir. She took it back to the store and somehow talked them into giving her a new one.
She also carefully patched the holes on both the front and back of his uniform tunic where the piece of shell went into, and out of him, after carefully soaking out the blood with cold water.
It is expected that, when a guy grows up, he might have to get crossways with his Dad.
Only a lunatic would try to get crossways with his Mom
Three Kindnesses
Oct 4, 2008 at 2:12 pm
[…] to what I used to think when I was in warrior mother mode, people aren’t your automatic enemies when you’re out in public with your child. […]
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