Earthquakes and Why I Don’t Like to Use the Word Tantrum Anymore
Learning about the recent northern California temblor (a 4.2) whose epicenter was on a street familiar to me reminded me that I have previously compared finding out that your child has autism to an earthquake. I have also compared the suddenly difficult-out-of-(seemingly)-nowhere moments that can shake apart a peaceful day to earthquakes, complete with aftershocks—-mostly because of how, when a tough moment happens, as a parent I feel as if the ground is shaking under my feet. I used to call these “tantrums” and have moved away from this term which (to my ear) has an infantilizing ring. If Charlie starts to moan and his shoulders to go tense, I can see his anxiety building, and that anxiety gets compounded because it is not so easy for him to explain to me what is going on.
One thing I have learned over the past couple of years is that I don’t try to stop Charlie from being anxious. (Does telling someone “calm down” really work or just make the person notice how they are most definitely not calm?) There is always some good reason for him being so and, same as me, he needs to let it work through him: I tend now to say a short sentence to him to the effect of “It’s okay to feel like that now, it’ll be all right,” and then we sit together or keep on walking. I also tend to let him know I’m glad he can tell me (in words or otherwise) how he feels: I no longer try to ignore that he is anxious, but to ride it out with him—-much as you have to do in an earthquake. You cannot do anything to stop the ground from moving.
But it does and then, the world looks different, familiar landmarks and the furniture reconfigured.
Some compare autism to a natural disaster like a tsunami or a tidal wave and, yes, an earthquake. I think these sorts of comparisons foment unnecessary panic and terror about autism and autistic persons. When I was growing up in Oakland, we had earthquake drills at school and learned about tectonic plates and the Hayward fault and the big one in 1916: We learned that there are things you can do to be safe in an earthquake, and that being prepared is essential, and that being hysterical is not very helpful.
Having Charlie and finding that he has autism did “rock” our world—and it has been a good thing for us to learn to move to his beat, in a landscape of many different colors.
6 opinions for Earthquakes and Why I Don’t Like to Use the Word Tantrum Anymore
TheProbe
Jul 21, 2007 at 11:28 pm
Sounds like a visit is in order. We’ll be visiting SI tomorrow, and I plan to stop off.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 22, 2007 at 1:00 am
I am curious to know what ensues–
Niksmom
Jul 22, 2007 at 8:44 am
You said it best about “being prepared.” For Niksdad and me, being able to “see” potential coping challenges for Nik as they approach, or being able to help him redirect himself is not only so much more respectful to Nik but it also diffuses the anxiety we feel in the situation.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 22, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Not that I can always remember to think so carefully in the heat of the moment!
Aidoann
Jul 22, 2007 at 12:40 pm
As a native of California (bay area), earthquakes are a frequent occurrence and we’ve had our share of earthquake drills to prepare. Through these drills and knowing what to do if there’s an earthquake (whether it’s barely able to be felt or a much larger quake, like the Loma Prieta quake of 1989), I’ve learned how to cope with, really, the one natural disaster of this area of the US of A. I think this is a good analogy for living with AS. Yeah, it can cause some problems, but the better prepared people are means things usually turn out better in the end.
Instead of the word “tantrum”, I prefer the term “melt-down”. It’s a little more descriptive and less value-laden than the former term. The causes (like the plates being shifted back and forth to form an earthquake) end up being explained as too much going on all at once and not quite being able to handle things anymore.
As a side note, I like earthquakes and they seem a lot more mild than any other natural disaster (tornados, hurricanes, forest fires, tsunamis, etc.). Maybe that’s because I’m used to them, just like I’ve gotten used to living with AS. To someone from another part of the country where tornados may be common and earthquakes are rare, they might think the opposite, but it really depends on what we’re used to. I couldn’t imagine how my life would be without AS… or earthquakes.
-Aidoann
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jul 22, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Aidoann, Thanks so much for this (from one native Bay Arean to another). I have not lived in California for 17 years; people on the East Coast and in the Midwest have indeed said to me, they would prefer tornados to earthquakes. Something about the earth moving really sends a shudder through people.
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