Autism Vox

26 opinions for Question about autistic adults in relationships

• Danni
  Nov 16, 2006 at 6:55 pm

  I was in a long term relationship before I discovered that I was autistic (I’m still in that relationship). However, all three boyfriends I’ve had I’ve met on the internet, and we’ve had at least one common obsessional interest (Star Trek). It is very possible for those on the autistic spectrum to be in relationships, they just might not be the same sort of relationships that are expected.

• natalia
  Nov 16, 2006 at 9:38 pm

  you can give her my email. my husband and i are unofficial aspies. also i will find her some links… more in next comment.

• zilari
  Nov 16, 2006 at 11:43 pm

  This is the same thing I’d say to anyone, autistic or not, wondering about relationships.

  I don’t think they should be forced, or that people are really healthy if they feel that they need to be “in a relationship” in order to be a complete person. Nor should anyone settle for any relationship that in any way puts them in a position to be degraded or used. There are many, many other things to do besides dating. If the right person comes along, explore the opportunity, but don’t worry so much about dating for dating’s sake or forcing anything.

  Also, I’ve heard of autistic people occasionally getting into relationships with someone who wants to help “recover” them or something along those lines, but I’d definitely steer clear of anyone who sees you as a research and development project.

  I’ve been with my significant other for nearly 7 years, and I think this relationship works well because (a) we’re somewhat similar neurologically — not exactly the same, but close enough for much easier communication than I have offline with most everyone, and (b) because neither of us was “looking” for anyone when we met.

• Kristina Chew, PhD
  Nov 17, 2006 at 12:35 am

  Thanks for writing about a private matter here—-goes without saying that there’s a diversity of experience in relationships, and of persons relating to each other. Natalia, thanks in advance for the links.

• David N. Andrews MEd (12-2006)
  Nov 17, 2006 at 1:40 am

  A remarkable study was done a few years ago. Heta Pukki, whilst studying for her PgDipSpEd, wrote a paper on autistic sexuality. It was published in Good Autism Practice, and has been cited in a number of other works.

  Pukki, H. (2003). Developing expressions of sexuality: the perspective and experiences of able autistic people. In Good Autism Practice, Vol 4 Issue 2 (p.60-65) Explores the issues of sexuality for people with autism who live independently.
  Available from the NAS Information Centre
  For more information contact: The Information Centre, The National Autistic Society, 393 City Road, London EC1V 1NG; tel: +44 (0)20 7903 3599; fax: +44 (0)20 7903 3767; email: info@nas.org.uk

  Cited in:

  http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=296&a=6001

• Barbara
  Nov 17, 2006 at 10:43 am

  Jerry and Mary Newport, who both have Aspergers, wrote a book called “Autism-Asperger’s & Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond,” that might be helpful to this family. It is available at http://www.FutureHorizons-autism.com

• Someone
  Nov 17, 2006 at 12:47 pm

  I heard that their book was terrible.

• natalia
  Nov 17, 2006 at 1:02 pm

  Newports’ book is the basis of the movie Mozart and the Whale. I have heard it was pretty good although there were some usual hollywood mistakes… haven’t read or watched either, me personally.

  OK, links:
  http://forums.delphiforums.com/asworks/start
  http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start
  http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aut-partners/

  http://www.aspiesforfreedom.com/ and http://www.wrongplanet.net/ … go in the forums and search “relationships”, “marriage”, “married”.

  http://cap.autistics.org/ (seems to be in progress but meant to display different life stories to show that autistic adults can be good parents. this is a revolutionary idea to some people.)

• Lisa/Jedi
  Nov 17, 2006 at 2:41 pm

  B’s dear friend & mentor who has AS, CK, is a freshman in college & has been navigating this issue for some years now. He was popular enough in high school (a small, alternative school) to be voted “Prom King” at his senior prom, but has never had a girlfriend, just hang-out girl friends. He really does want a girlfriend, which is not surprising, & feels sad that the loud, idiot boys get all the attention. To make things worse, his roommate just got engaged & the “GF” is there all the time (he & his roommate have separate sleeping rooms, thank goodness!), plus another boy, on the other side of the wall, has been having noisy sex while CK’s trying to go to sleep at night for weeks now… His mom told me this morning that Ck came up with a unique solution to the boy next door, though. He put an anonymous note on the boy’s door asking him to respect a “quiet hour” between 10:00-12:00 pm so that people can get to sleep. The dorm is now abuzz with chatter about who might have written the note, & emphatic agreement with the sentiments. I think it was a brilliant way for CK to solve (or at least approach) the problem, plus let off some healthy steam. :)

• Kristina Chew, PhD
  Nov 18, 2006 at 12:01 am

  Dorm life……. what was the response to the note? Thanks so much for the sites, Natalia, and for the article, David……I’ve yet to see Mozart and the Whale.

• mcewen
  Nov 18, 2006 at 10:24 am

  It feels like eaves dropping [it is really] but you can troll around Live Journal or Wrong Planet and pick up all sort of handy phraseology and tips. But don’t tell anyone I said so.
  Best wishes

• Kristina Chew, PhD
  Nov 18, 2006 at 2:13 pm

  We won’t say you told us….

• L
  Jan 23, 2007 at 3:10 am

  I’m a “neurotypical” girl (I guess that’s the correct term for myself based on what I’ve read.) and I think I’m falling for a man I met online who has Autism. We live close to the same city and we have mutual friends. Is it normal for me to be nervous about meeting him? I personally feel that it’s normal because I’m nervous about meeting any new person. I just can’t distinguish whether it’s because he’s new to me or if it’s because he has autism. I would like to think it’s just because he’s new to me but I’m not sure. Please don’t think I’m superficial. After all, I’m falling for him based on his awesome personality and not because of some shallow pursuit. I’m really confused right now but I am certainly dead set on meeting him because we have so much in common and we love talking to each other. Any information that you all could give me would be much appreciated! :) Thank you.

• Autism Vox » Question about meeting a man with autism…..
  Feb 14, 2007 at 11:47 pm

  […] You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Related Posts: “You can’t just throw an Asperger adult intomainstream”“Have you ever wanted not to be a parent anymore?”Charlie Makes a Big DifferenceLove and Support: Parents of ANGELSDr. Insel on “Autism: What do we know? What do we need?” […]

• Rochelle
  Feb 15, 2007 at 12:45 am

  My father is, in my opinion, a classic case of Asperger’s. And, my parents have been happily married for 33 years.

  It gives me hope that my son will be able to find someone to share his life with in the future…

• SharonB
  Apr 2, 2007 at 1:04 am

  I have a wonderful relationship with an Aspie man and the sex is great too. He is kind, loving, caring…and works very hard to create an emotional connection–he has a lot of self awareness and goes to counciling to work on himself. He told me right away that he is autistic, so it did help me not apply NT dating “rules” to our courtship. for example, I would reach out an call him rather than wait for him to call me because I knew he may not feel comfortable reaching out. I think the key to making it work are: Openness and self awareness and a patient partner who doesn’t expect NT behavior…for example, he may take 3 days to clean up the kitchen, but at least he is trying to do his part the best he can.

• Mariah
  Apr 10, 2007 at 3:27 am

  My former boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s, I had suspected this before anyone else, actually. We are working on ourselves currently and still looking toward the future as an opportunity to get back together. He also has two children, his son was just diagnosed as well. We are both fairly young and circumstances are preventing us from being together right now. We have many shared interests that sparked our relationship and continue to give us common bonds. It has actually been a relief to me to find out that I was correct about him having Asperger’s. I wish he didn’t have to go through this, mostly because of the stigma/label, but now I am more equiped to relate to him and realize that his quirks are not a reflection of any deficiency in me, it’s just the way he is. He has found many ways to relay how he feels about me and assure me that he does love me in a romantic way. I think that’s key, let your child learn what is easiest for him. It’s not going to be easy at first, but he has the advantage of having known about his autism for most (?) of his life and having a mother that cares enough to reach out to others for advice and research ways to make things easier for him. I’ve found that with my boyfriend it is much easier for him to chat with me online than on the telephone or even in person. As some have mentioned above me, I would say the Internet is a great social outlet for people with autism. I am fairly new to this, but the best I can offer is my story. I didn’t view this diagnosis as a reason to give up on my relationship and it isn’t a reason for your son to not experience a fulfilling relationship with someone in his future.

• Richard Lawrence
  Jun 16, 2007 at 3:30 pm

  thire is nothing for people with autism to find partners I have thought of a dating agency for people who want to date people with autism most people with autism are men

  so we need a understanding dating agency that sets us up with woman that is interested

• Lana
  Sep 26, 2007 at 12:51 am

  I’m a happily married mother to an incredible man who happens to be autistic. When we first started dating I noticed some things but I didn’t suspect. Looking back I now know my current mother in law was subtly trying to tell me about her son. By the time it was explained to me we were already in love. I didn’t look at him any diferently. Like any relationship, problems do arise (work, my returning to college, potty training our son), but we face them as a couple.

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• Karen
  Oct 19, 2007 at 4:20 pm

  L I’m curious what web site do you use to find relationships with guys with autism? My son is 26 and would love to have a girl he could talk to or maybe go to the movies. He wants to be just like his younger brother and have a girl to communicate with. Thanks

• cathy Nguyen
  Mar 22, 2008 at 6:30 am

  Ive been dating a guy who i think is an aspie according to all the traits that go with it. We dated for 2and half years and i broke up with him recently coz of his inability to connect with me emotionally. Towards the end of teh relationship, he became angy and verbally abusive. I always knew he was a little peculiar but now it seems to all make sense. He didnt like being touched, preferred to stay on the computer, socially withdrawn, no eye contact,montone,lacked empathy, highly intelligent though. I was neer able to make sense of why he was the way he was. But communicating to him was very difficult and so was conflict resolution. I grew very tired and exhausted in the end. I thought we had really loved each other as he would meet my needs but i always thought that there was sthg deficient in him. i know that there is no perfect man out there, but i just couldnt commit to him coz i didnt feel emotionally safe.

• alex
  Apr 22, 2008 at 9:22 pm

  I am married with a man 8 years,I get pregnant and I married.We have one child. I always felt that he was different from the other man.
  I read the comment of cathy Nguyen and I feel that I have the same problem, and specially in our sexuality. He doesn’t like to touch me too much or been touch, he doesn’t have patience, he gets anxious. He is monotone, but emotional inmature..there is any kind of help????
  I think I still love him, I wanted to change him and help him all the time since I know him. But my question is could be that he has a level of autism..in that case how I can help him…regarding sexuality…emotions ,connection , I suffer a lot because I don’t know what means to be connected to sameone that you love.
  We are together but there is no union.
  HOW I CAN MAKE THIS HAPPENS OR IS IMPOSIBLE???
  He has problem to listen, to have emphaty, I was doing years of terapy, but with help is in same moments better , but then again we have a lot of problems, with comunication.
  tHERE IS ANY WAY I CAN TEST HIM, THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW..
  I REALLY NEED TO CLARIFY…IF THIS is a POSIBILITY..in my case. ..I would like a diagnosis. Please contact me to my email. Thank you so much!!

• Jonny
  Jun 12, 2008 at 2:48 am

  I’m 15 and my girlfriends autistic, but comparatively to severe examples you can barely tell.

  She’s this amazing gorgeous person, intellectually brilliant and just plain fantastic.

  However, she does do strange things (the consistency and re-arranging traits for example) and as if girls weren’t confusing enough, she’s blows Hot and Cold and seemed to enjoy screwing around with my emotions without any consideration with what she was doing.

  She can also be coldly un-empathetic.

  But, we’re working on it and we’re both learning things - who knows what’s next to come? Another day of insanity or just happy?

  It’s pretty freaking scary… and here I am in year 9! :-P

• tiffany
  Jun 22, 2008 at 3:48 am

  Dating someone with autism is pretty fricken hard. My boyfriend is very hard to relate to emotionally. He is the best person. He’s wonderful and i love him but he seems to never show an interest in what i have to say. I feel very ignored in our relationship a lot of the time. He never shows any kind of emotion even in the most fucked up and horrible situations.

• Reyna
  Jul 10, 2008 at 1:00 am

  My boyfriend is a genius with a Phd. And like everyone here, am finding him very hard to relate. Am getting tired of listening to his passion subject: Politics. He is a rather highly recognized and admired man in his country but his emotional life with me…. the things that should come easy, he just screws up. I don’t want to make him feel bad but I don’t know if it is I who will have to go through a change in my mentality or if there is any help for him, or for the two of us as a couple… Help!

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