Who’s Got Problems?
As we were leaving the pool tonight, Charlie and I walked past three middle-school aged girls. I heard:
“Were you part of that conversation about retarded people in Language Arts today?”
I had not zipped the top of Charlie’s backpack shut and paused to do so.
“You not that girl with the problems………were you there when she had the seizure……”
Charlie had run ahead of me as he usually does and I called out “Wait for Mom!”
The three girls had glanced at Charlie and me as walked past them but I’m not sure if their remarks were linked to that; I would say that the tone of their voices was distancing. It has been more and more the case that people—children in particular—notice and even stare a bit at Charlie even when he is not doing anything in particular; is just standing around. Too, Jim has noted that kids stop to look at Chralie riding his bike, even if he is, again, not doing anything that would immediately draw attention to his diagnosis, such as humming or repeating words or phrases over and over. I guess there’s something in the way Charlie is that attracts attention.
Let me put it this way: I have yet to see a disabled child who is Charlie’s age and with the numerous communicative, cognitive, social, and other challanges that Charlie at the pool. Our pool does have a Saturday in which one of the big pools is open only to special needs kids, but the daily presence of disabled kids (and no longer preschoolers) at the pool—just as they sometimes are in school classrooms—is limited and often, I surmise, to Charlie and me. And that is one reason why, whatever decision the pool powers that be make about Charlie getting to swim more, we will keep going to swim. Charlie has his challenges, but he is hardly the only kid with “problems.”
For me, I am still not sure if I would want to know about what was discussed in that “conversation” in a Language Arts classroom, and if it was only among students.
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POSTED IN: Disability Rights, Education, Stereotypes, Water
10 opinions for Who’s Got Problems?
Leanne
Oct 12, 2007 at 7:38 am
Patrick is often the only one in any particular group of children with ‘differences’. And he’s only 5. I have noticed that parents seem to hide more as their special needs children get older. I hate that for them(the parents and the children). How they must feel. I often wonder what I can do to make them feel more comfortable being out in the world.
I know, and I’m sure I’ve said it before, that Patrick and I are much happier now that we’ve realized we deserve a place in our community. It’s freeing.
Julie
Oct 12, 2007 at 9:05 am
I’ve also noticed people (children and adults) staring at my daughter even when she isn’t doing anything typical of her diagnosis. I have a strong immunity to other people’s opinions, and public opinion is not the reason we rarely take her out anymore. Actually, I think it is natural for people to be curious. I don’t assume people are being judmental just because they stare. People have made judgmental comments about my daughter’s behavior when she was younger. But now that it is more obvious that she has a disability, people have tended to offer help when we’ve been in difficult situations.
When she was small we went out in the community every single day. I was determined that my child was going to have a place in her own community. If she had behavior issues I could just scoop her up and remove her from the situation. Now that she is fifteen, she is much bigger and stronger than I am. I can no longer stop her from breaking away from me and running into a dangerous situation. I can’t contain her if she becomes physically agressive. I can’t keep her safe. It is not a question of acceptance. It is a question of safety. Sometimes love just ain’t enough.
mcewen
Oct 12, 2007 at 11:00 am
Nothing good ever comes from ear wigging. Like you say, the older they get……
I’m not sure if we’re just so used to them that we don’t notice, or whether it really is as obvious as people seem to pick up on it. Like you say, when they’re just sitting or standing…..how can people tell? But they can.
Best wishes
athina
Oct 12, 2007 at 12:52 pm
It hasn’t been so long since people started noticing my son’s “difference”. He is 4 now and until recently nobody suspected what was going on, or at least nobody ever mentioned it to us. So, it’s really disturbing sometimes when poeple stare, especially as I’m not used to it. It makes me realize what we’ll face in the future and how hard it’s goning to be for him and for us, but I have no intention of hiding him from the world. If somebody doesn’t like seeing him or if people talk, that’s OK. Maybe I would have done the same if I were in their position but we’ll never know. The thing is that each one of us knows, understands and appreciates his/her own children, but people who don’t deal with similar situations don’t. Recently, the mother of a little girl in my son’s class asked that her daughter will be placed in another class because she “doesn’t have anything in common with the other children there”. Note that the girl is not autistic but she is physically and mentally disabled because of a tumor she had in her head when she was born. I realize that she indeed has nothing in common with my child, but how awful does it sound to look down at another “different” child when you have a disabled child yourself. How on earth do you expect other people to be sensitive towards your child, when you lack basic sensitivity yourself! Her exact words were “some children can actually achieve many goals if they are helped and my child is one of them”. Should I guess that mine isn’t?
Caroline L.
Oct 12, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Charlie is very good looking, and cool.
I bet that is why kids look at him.
He is just a cool, interesting kid, and people are always drawn to charisma.
Karen
Oct 12, 2007 at 4:03 pm
People are often drawn to my Petey. Have been ever since he was a baby. In my not so humble opinion, he has a magnetic personality. Sure, he’s got his share of challenges, but he’s a really interesting guy and people generally like him, especially once they get to know him. I would never hide him away — like Leanne, I very much feel that we have a place in our community and by and large, our community embraces us.
Also, maybe it’s just the junior high teacher in me, but I have stuck my nose in the types of conversations you overheard at the pool to “educate” people before. It’s just part of who I am.
karen in ca
Kristina Chew, PhD
Oct 12, 2007 at 5:07 pm
At other times I might have stuck my nose in—the girls in question were not exactly speaking in soft voices. I am curious about the Language Arts curriculum at my town’s middle school; in our old town, a lot was made of the district having a “character” curriculum against bullying (I’m not sure how effective it was).
As a baby, lots of people at the supermarket always stopped to look at him….
MomtoJBG
Oct 12, 2007 at 11:13 pm
I was in the grocery store today, and one of the twins suddenly started shrieking in the most blood-curdling way. People came from other sections of the store to see what was going on.
I said, “They are autistic” (my second twin was covering his ears and making sad noises, too). It was interesting to see that some people kind of turned away and wouldn’t look right at us. How could you not feel sympathetic? I thought it was a strange reaction.
Later, when both twins were happy and smiling, ladies came up and cooed at them.
I try to tough it out when people are staring, because I think they should get over it and accept us as we are. Which today was really, really loud.
Alison
Feb 18, 2008 at 5:20 am
How do we teach preschoolers to accept differently abled children? How to treat them? So preschoolers treat them differently or is it after they go to school
Kristina Chew, PhD
Feb 18, 2008 at 10:21 am
@Alison,
Hi—-here’s a link about autism training for preschool teachers.
This is the ADL Center in Pennsylvania, which is mentioned in this article about training preschool teachers. Best wishes!
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