Would you ever give up your autistic child?
Robert and Debbie Lachlan say that they want to make Emma, their seven-year-old daughter who has autism, a ward of the state because “they cannot cope with her behaviour,” as reported in today’s The Australian. Emma, it is noted, cannot speak and “banged walls, drew on them, ran away, did not obey instructions and needed constant supervision.” The Lachlans’ nine-year-old daughter, Tiffany, “has a less severe case of autism but also needs constant care.” The family live in a Gold Coast suburb in Australia.
The headline for this article is Autism may force couple to give up child .
I understand that life cannot be easy for the Lachlans. My husband Jim and I have been through a lot in raising our now-nine-year old autistic son Charlie, a lot more than banging on walls (Charlie, who is minimally verbal, has broken walls and windows, with his head, and had major raging tantrums in the car as I drove him). Never in the world would I want to give up Charlie and make him become a ward of the state, or a ward of anywhere. There have been terribly difficult, and scarey moments when Charlie’s rages and anxieties seemed beyond control. But residential or institutional placement for Charlie has been something to fear, not to choose.
I know that circumstances differ from child to child, and family to family. We have been able to find resources and support (and those of you who read Autismland and this blog have provided essential support more than often) and to change and learn how best to help Charlie, who is our only child.
Would you ever give up your autistic child?
My answer: Never.
17 opinions for Would you ever give up your autistic child?
Kassiane
Sep 18, 2006 at 11:54 pm
Better to give her up than kill her.
My parents used to threaten me with dropping me off in foster care. I think they were half serious…
Vidya Ganesh
Sep 19, 2006 at 12:35 am
Kristina,isn’t this violating the child’s rights…the right to live under the care of her parents and security of her home? I feel really terrible. :(((.
I wonder what is it that the parents had to undergo that drove them to take such a decision…:(((
Ballastexistenz
Sep 19, 2006 at 3:27 am
I’m with Kassi, I don’t think people should give up their kids but better that than murder.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Sep 19, 2006 at 7:54 am
Vidya, I have been wondering too what the situation with the parents is—-that they are not only considering such a decision, but that they are being very public about it.
Kassiane and Amanda, your comments make me think of something Mom-NOS wrote on a post a while back about the Autism Speaks video,namely that (here I paraphrase), if a parent should ever be at the point of thinking of harming their child, that parent should seek help, immediately. And I would certainly have to say, if I were at that point, I hope I would be able to seek out help.
Ashley
Sep 19, 2006 at 12:08 pm
I empathize with the entire family. Clearly they all need support that they aren’t getting for some reason or another.
I was abandoned by my mother, but managed better than if I spent more time with her like my younger sister. I sought help, but we read about many people that don’t in the news. This rings true with domestic abuse, alcoholism, and other tragedies like this, to me anyway. My heart goes out to the entire family.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Sep 19, 2006 at 4:24 pm
It is not an easy story to read—and not much is said about the older autistic daughter.
Julia
Oct 29, 2006 at 12:45 am
I’d be calling in all sorts of help and favors long before I’d even contemplate giving up Sam (I already have at times). I love him, I know him.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Oct 29, 2006 at 12:46 am
I don’t care to imagine Charlie without us, or the reverse. Ever.
mcewen
Nov 15, 2006 at 9:48 pm
This is one of the first blog sites and ‘issues’ that I read that made me start blogging, to try and show a more positive side on the gloom doom and despondency out there. Thanks Christina. Why is there no e-mail address for you, so I don’t have to go public like this. [or am I just to thick to find it?] Best wishes
Ian Parker
Nov 16, 2006 at 8:07 pm
“Would you ever give up your autistic child?”
Never
Kristina Chew, PhD
Nov 16, 2006 at 8:40 pm
It’s a question that ought not to be even thought of.
E's Mama
Nov 16, 2006 at 11:00 pm
I can’t imagine living without my child. However…. I am extremely fortunate to have a good support system, a good handle on resources, and untiring resolve. I can see from the other side though. Honestly doesn’t anyone else have days that they get to the end of and wonder how on heaven and earth they are going to make it through another one tomorrow? It makes me sad that someone would have so many of those days in a row that they would feel they have to choose not to do it anymore.
David N. Andrews MEd (12-2006)
Nov 17, 2006 at 1:28 am
My autie child is the reason I still live in Finland. And, even if I have to work in Estonia to get a living, I’ll still be up for living in Finland whilst ever she’s my daughter and I’m still alive to do it. Since the divorce, my ex-wife has her most of the time and we have a good joint-custody relationship going on. Never would I give her up.
Local social worker once tried to get that to happen, under some very nasty scheme to get herself a child to adopt. We fought against that idea, and the peripatetic nursery teacher involved in things going that way was moved out of that work altogether as a result. We had an excellent reference about our parenting skills from my then supervisor at Uni, Glenys Jones (the one who wrote: Jones, G (2002) Educational provision for children with autism and Asperger syndrome, London: David Fulton).
Not all parents of autie kids, however, are in a good position and many definitely need support, and what they tend to get from local services is condemnation. The only way to sort this issue out is to get the authorities to STFU with the condemnation and put their efforts into actually sitting down with families and actively offering and giving the full range of support that is needed.
One reason why I have no love for LEA-attached practitioners… they tend to be on the side of saving money at the clients’ expense.
Georgie
Nov 28, 2006 at 9:03 pm
How many of you guys that have replied live in Australia ?
just curious because I live in Sydney which is the WORST state in Australia for services for Autism.
I also deal with a lot of families and sadly have met people who have had to give up there own children , have met families that have lost a parent to suicide and know of another that took her childs life and others that have thought about that and it is now regularly televised in the media because parents are desperate here and need help!
I have 2 children with ASD , am a single parent , no support and I personally would never give up my kids or kill them BUT I DO understand how hard it is for some people!
For those of us lucky enough to have the money and / or the support to look after our beautiful kids then GREAT , congratulations but please dont forget there are an awful lot of people not getting support , are living on or below the poverty line who still very much love there kids , perhaps so much so that they want to protect them and the only option being to give them up.
best wishes to you all for a safe and happy christmas
Alone
Jan 7, 2007 at 1:33 am
David N. Andrews said:
“Since the divorce, my ex-wife has her most of the time and we have a good joint-custody relationship going on. Never would I give her up.”
70 percent of men with Autistic Children divorce their wifes due to the problem of having an Autistic child.
I must say, David N. A., if your child isn’t living with you and, as you’ve said above, your ex has the child MOST of the time, then basically you already have given your child up because you are not taking on the brunt of the illness full time, like a live-in Dad. Sounds to me that you limit your time with the child anyway, so why would you officially give up the child?
Sorry folks, I’m bitter! I’m dealing with more that an Autistic child alone. I’m dealing with:
Autistic 6yr.
Bipolar husband
ADHD 10yr
Brain Cancer 12yr (remission)
At the time of the cancer, my husband that it was a great idea to cheat of me, for 2 years.
Women always get the F@#ked up end of the stick when the man decides to bail. She’s just about always left alone to raise the kid(s)! Men will not leave until they’ve got their “other woman” ready for him. I must say, though, anyone, both man or woman, who leaves home and basically isn’t the main care giver is basically saving themselves from the pain of raising such a child.
Mental illness of any sort can destroy a marriage and family. Perhaps its best to get the Autistic child placed in a home instead of destroying the WHOLE family via Divorce.
I’m just about ready to walk out on my family myself. But I know that I’m dealing with far more than most people.
End Rant.
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jan 7, 2007 at 2:04 am
E’s Mama (yes, I am responding very tardily: You wrote,
Honestly doesn’t anyone else have days that they get to the end of and wonder how on heaven and earth they are going to make it through another one tomorrow?
Yes indeed. Not so much now that Charlie’s behaviors have been better and we’re in a better school district—it’s the feelng of going to bed exhausted with worry and knowing you’ll just have to wake up to who knows what—-but also knowing it’s worth it for a great kid!
Kristina Chew, PhD
Jan 7, 2007 at 2:06 am
Georgie, here I am responding late to your comment—but after the death of Ulysses Stable in the Bronx, NY, back in November, your comments carry even more weight with me. Hope the new year has started well for you and yours.
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